Idiot arrives late to our first date, and is annoyed that I am already at the bar and have ordered myself a drink.
I offer to move to a table, but he wants to stay at up at the bar.
Idiot takes forEVer to decide which beer he wants, while constantly texting on his phone. Bartender is amazingly patient, as he keeps checking in to see if a decision has been made on the choice of brew, and even provides a sample of one of the candidates for consumption.
Idiot: Hey, what is that there?
*Idiot points to a plate being carried past us by a waiter.
Bartender: That is coconut shrimp. Would you like one of those?
Idiot: Yeah. Bring me one of those.
*Bartender looks at me
Me: I am fine, for now, thank you.
*Idiot continues texting, until his phone rings. He jumps up, and walks outside to take the call, pacing back and forth in front of the bar for more than 15 minutes.
Bartender: Hey, um… Everything okay?
Me: First date. If this is not over in an hour, you gonna help me get out of this?
Bartender: Sure thing… lol
*Shrimp arrive. Idiot scarfs them all down, without offering me any. Bartender stares in disbelief, comes over, and asks me if I would like to order something. I order a dinner.
Idiot: Ugh. What is that you ordered? That does not sound like something I would like at all.
Me: Well, it sounds good to me, and I started to get hungry while you were outside. So, tell me about what you do for work.
Idiot: Let’s just say I am in nursing school.
Me: Okaaaay. You are in nursing school. But I was asking about the job you said you had where you put in over 60 hours on the weekends.
Idiot: Oh, that’s nothing.
Me: No, really, what do you do?
Idiot: I just sit at some guy’s house and they pay me fucking $20 an hour.
Me: So, you are a caregiver?
Idiot: Nope. They have a nurse for that.
Me: So, you manage this person’s care? Or are you a companion?
Idiot: Nope, not really. I just sit there. Hey, your food is taking forever.
Me: Not really. I just ordered it. I don’t think it has been very long yet.
*Idiot’s phone rings, and he jumps up and goes outside again. Bartender delivers the poke bowl that I ordered. Idiot sees, through the window, that my food has arrived, and quickly returns.
Idiot: Oh, that does not look appetizing at all.
Me: Well, I like it.
*Idiot grabs his fork, and proceeds to eat 3/4 of my dinner, while complaining about the few ingredients in it that he does not like.
Idiot: I DO like this kind of rice, though.
Me: That is quinoa.
Idiot: I know. I like that kind of rice. Hey, why aren’t you eating?
Me: Well, I actually was very hungry, but you said you were sick, and just had your fork all over this, so you can have it.
Idiot: I’m not contagious.
Me: Well, you sound pretty sick, and I have a new grandson I am visiting tomorrow, so I am not taking any chances.
Idiot: Sorry about the phone calls. It is for work.
Me: You have emergency calls for the job where you sit there and do nothing? Is the person covering for you, because you are sick, unable to handle doing nothing for you in your absence?
Idiot: Let me show you something that will explain.
*Idiot shows a photo on his phone of three men (all white, presumably American), who appear to be in a dessert area, dressed like the local people.
Idiot: Which one of these do you think is me?
Me: The one in the middle.
*Idiot points to my glasses
Idiot: Can you see? Are you sure you can see? Which one do you think I am?
Me: Yes, I can see just fine, and I think you are the one in the middle.
Idiot: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. I THINK YOU ARE THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE. So, which one are you?
Idiot: Yeah, that is me in the middle.
Me: That was not supposed to be a disguise of some sort, was it?
*Idiot launches into a long ramble about two tours in Afghanistan, security work, protection services, etc.
Me: Uh, huh. So, I am not sure what that explains.
*I am trying to figure out if he is trying to explain why he was on the phone, what his job really is, or just why he is an asshole. When he abruptly changes the topic.
Idiot: Show me pics of your grandchildren.
*I show him a screen on my phone that has a little picture of each of the four children. Then explain that I am working on trying to get cheap airfare to visit all of them in October. Idiot interrupts me to tell a recent story about flying with his kids on a vacation where a cancelled flight caused a problem because he only had $100 to his name. Idiot’s phone rings, and he runs outside again.
Bartender: Oh, my god. Did you get anything to eat?
Me: Not really.
Bartender: Um, do you think he is going to stick you with the bill?
Me: Probably, but it is okay. It will be worth it to get out of this… lol
Bartender: Oh, geez. This guy is unbelievable.
*After another five minutes or so, Idiot comes back in, with his credit/debit card already in his hand, and waves it in the air, way up over his head, to try to get the bartender’s attention. Doesn’t even sit down.
Idiot: Hey, can we get the check here?
*Bartender comes over, takes the credit card, smiles at me, and leaves to take care of the check. When Bartender returns, Idiot quickly signs the slip.
Idiot: Well, I gotta go.
Me: Yeah, um. Bye?
*Idiot leaves. Bartender comes over.
Bartender: Well, at least he paid. He certainly should have. Not like you got to eat any. I would get you another one, but the kitchen just closed.
Me: It’s okay. I will get a hoagie from Wawa on the way home. Did he tip you okay?
Bartender: Don’t worry about it. Can I get you something else to drink?
*Bartender gets me a Diet Coke, while I recover for a few minutes. The Bartender, and a patron sitting a few feet away, joke with me about how sad, but entertaining, my date was for everyone within earshot. I tried to pay for the soda, hoping that I could leave a nice tip, to make up for what probably happened with the bill, but the Bartender would not accept any money from me.
*I got my Wawa hoagie on the way home. I think I might go back to that bar and order another poke bowl sometime this week. It looked good. I’d like to actually eat one.