Me: So, as my email indicated, my package never arrived, so I require a refund.
Idiot: The tracking information shows that your package was delivered on Wednesday, 10/11/2017 at 11:47 A.M.
Me: I also saw that information. Please take a moment and look at my order, to see the date on which I placed this order.
Idiot: I see here that you placed the order on October 18th. Did you check around your home, or with your neighbors?
Me: Uh huh. That really won’t help.
Idiot: So… Why not? That is what we advise everyone to do.
Me: So, you don’t see anything wrong with that?
Idiot: What do you mean?
Me: I mean that the tracking information is telling you that the package was delivered to my home exactly one week BEFORE I even placed the order.
Idiot: What? Wait. How could that be?
Me: Obviously, someone attached the wrong tracking number to this order, so we really have no idea if this item was lost in transit, or if it was actually every shipped at all. That… or UPS has mastered time travel, and someone stole the package off of my porch, before I ever even thought to order it.
Idiot: Um, what?
Me: Never mind. I was just kidding about the time travel and theft.
Idiot: Oh, okay. Well, we will look into this, and will have to get back to you.
Me: Please do.