Wednesday, February 26, 2020
Dating Site Idiots

The “C” Word Episode – Part 2 – He’s Baaaaaack

This guy: … from May 2014… is back.

January 9, 2017

Idiot: Nice to see your smiling face, [my dating site user name]. Worth every penny of $30. How have you been? How’s the cat (very cute–I have several rescues here).

Idiot: You could at least say hello. No need to be rude. 😎

Me: Since I am seeing someone, I rarely check messages on here anymore.

January 10, 2017

Idiot: Ah, I see. Maybe you should consider closing your account–or are you keeping your options open?

Idiot: I hope he or she appreciates what a lucky guy or gal he or she is.

Me: Too early to tell… but thanks

Idiot: Well, if it doesn’t work out, I’ll still be pining away for you. Good luck!🌞

February 13, 2017

Idiot: Back to the slums, eh?

Idiot: I know–it’s just research for your thesis.

February 18, 2017

Idiot: Up late, I see. I though you had escaped the relentless gravitational pull of the psychic black hole that is [name of dating site]?

Me: I still chat with a few friends on here

Idiot: Sorry to see that your quest for true love drags on. I suppose that’s either a very sad commentary on the chaps on offer here or an even sadder statement of the desirability of my gender as a whole. Still, you haven’t apparently yet abandoned all hope, though I have found this site discouraging.

Idiot: Do you like a [name of dating site] book club or something?

Idiot: I’m not fishing for a date; I just happened to be up and felt like chatting and noticed you were here “lurking”, as the kids say. Thought I might get a conversation out of you.

Idiot: It is so disappointing to see that the gracious acceptance of even the clumsiest flattery has been supplanted by it’s regarded rejection as a statement of female empowerment. Or perhaps my views of politeness are simply a tired anachronism no longer regarded as useful.

Idiot: Here, I’ll read you a poem I wrote earlier this evening. It’s called: “Dylan Thomas – Wedding Planner”

Rage, rage

against the bridesmaid

dressed in white.

Do not pay extra

for the multicolored lights.

Idiot: Poetry not your thing, I gather. I don’t go out of my way to read it (or write it). It’ not often humorous in an intentional way and it often strikes me as emitting an aura of grandiosity far greater than warranted by its attempts to present the self-evident as sacred.

Me: I have a boyfriend at the moment… But I still check here to talk to a couple of friends

Idiot: Perhaps you’ll favor me with a conversation some day? Good night.

March 21, 2017 – [My dating site profile says that I am taking a break from dating and meeting people]

Idiot: Gather from your new “story” that things did not work out with the boyfriend? That’s a shame. I’m sorry to read of your obvious disappointment. I’d still like to share a conversation, mindful and respecting, of course, of your expressed desire to forego dating for the present. Promise to make you laugh.

April 4, 2017

Idiot: Oh, [my dating site screen name], fellow traveler in the catacombs of [name of dating site], I am humbled and saddened. You have always struck me as someone of elegance and grace, one possessed of the manners and civility so lacking in most who lurk in this endless canyon of ennui. I have come not to expect even the crudest pretense of courtesy any longer; I suppose the notion that contribution to the coffers of [name of dating site] is a license for boorish behavior is far more extant than I had ever imagined. I hardly know anything about you really, nor you of me, and so I am left to wonder, with curiosity as much as humility, what exactly makes me so disagreeable, and to that end, why one who professes to know not what she is “looking for” is nevertheless able to know with certainty that it is not me, especially when I do not that know myself. I am not presumptuous enough to think, absent a sufficient body of evidence to the contrary, that you are anything other than someone with a sophistication beyond most; someone that my intuition tells me would be interesting to talk to; someone who might have insights that are unique and enlightening and of things I had never before considered. I’m not trolling for sex or a date; I don’t know you well enough to know if I’d ever want either, as should be the case with any man truly deserving of the honorific of “gentleman”. I appreciate your present position and assure you I am not a stalker or other malevolent sort; just someone always looking to talk to and engage with interesting people. Is that such an unwelcome or intimidating fancy? Or am I simply so detestable that I can be dismissed on little more than whimsy, deserving of not even the suppressed annoyance and muttered pleasantries extended to even complete strangers? Clearly I have done something, or omitted to do something, warranting rudeness. Maybe, I am just too old fashioned as respects the feelings of others, or perhaps oblivious to my own offensiveness. I freely acknowledge I am not everyone’s cup of tea. My writing is overly formal and reeks of effected pretense, but I assure you there is nothing faked or artificial. I often lapse into this tone in general conversation, but I also say “fuck” a lot. I guess I just lament when people are unwilling to share knowledge with someone who is genuinely interested in what they have to say. Despite what you may believe, the only self-flattering egoist is one who believes that she alone may claim ownership of all the thoughts she possesses. Wisdom is the property of none and the entitlement of all; the contrary view only contributes to our common depravity. I continue to always believe that people innately recognize this, even if not comprehending it, and are intrinsically driven to comport their behavior accordingly. Unsurprisingly, I am often wrong; however, recognizing therefore that my initial instincts are prone to error, I am loathe to call someone a shithead until they have thoroughly demonstrated that the matter is removed from all doubt. Rarely, have I met someone so lacking in insight that they did not by intention or accident teach me something wonderful and for which I was eternally grateful. I am humble enough to be greedy for everyman’s thoughts, believing always that the only foolish notion is the one imprisoned by silence. So, my long-suffering acquaintance in this place, would you do me the honor of sharing some wisdom with me? Or perhaps be gracious enough to extend the decorum of telling me to fuck off and telling me why? And as an aside, as one who has long lamented the dishonest and hypocritical boasts rampant in [datingsite] land, I am puzzled why one emotionally confused and uninterested in dating would continue to lurk here with an ever-updating profile? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. At least you haven’t yet shared a pic of yourself seatbelted behind the wheel of your car. But there’s always tomorrow, eh? Bonne chance, my dear.

Me: I will never be interested in you, based on your using, and then your defense of your use, of the word “cunt” in our very first conversation. I don’t believe that you are the gentleman that you think you are, and I will never be convinced otherwise.

April 5, 2017

Idiot: It’s a word I rarely use and I don’t recall the circumstances under I used it previously with you, but I certainly intended no offense and apologize if any was taken. I appreciate that it is a potent word eliciting a spectrum of reactions in people and it was insensitive of me to utter it here. I am ashamed to have been such a complete asshole. That said, I am a gentleman, regardless of your firm opinion otherwise. I support a wide spectrum of feminist, LGBTQ, humanitarian and animal causes. I was raised on a farm by four lesbians, who would occasionally, unapologetically use this offensive word as a term of endearment amongst themselves; but, I offer no defense of my own use other than thoughtlessness. I really am sorry. Have you no forgiveness in your soul?

Me: As per your earlier request, what I just said was my nice way of telling you to fuck off, and why.

Idiot: I wouldn’t exactly call that being “nice”.

Idiot: Wow. Kick me after I had eye surgery and call barely read this? I really am contrite. You caught me on a bad day, unfortunately such things happen; I expect they happen to you as well. I’m sorry I came off like a piece of shit right out of the gate; but, I suppose there’s never really an appropriate time to behave like an ass.

Idiot: See, I have been called all manner of horrible things over the years, intended to directly hurt me, not for any good reason, but because anyone that lives with likes with lesbians must be a fag; anyone that defends an LGBTQ person from bullying is a fag; anyone that defends a sex worker is a fag( well you get the idea. It’s not the words that ever bothered me; it was being hated and hurt by people that felt entitled to hate, that would never change their minds, that would only hate harder when I just asked why. I forgave the words, the taunting, slandering my family, all of it. People aren’t born into sensitivity, after all. But what is the thing that feels good about shitting on a sincere apology? Where does that hate come from?

April 6, 2017

Idiot: Thanks for the time. It seems obvious to me now that you are not at all the person I had thought. What you have revealed instead is a person without empathy, who intentionally and uncaringly seeks to hurt others. Unchangeable mind—really? And you’re proud of that.? Amazing. Well, you obviously are not interested in my thoughts about that or anything else, I know full well how this movie ends. I’ve seen it before and I have no interest in seeing it again, Good day, madam.

Idiot: In saying goodbye, I chose to leave something unsaid that upon further reflection, I should not have wiithheld. I doubt you care why and I’m pretty certain you consider what I say in a way not intended. I know you will do this and I know why you will do this. I know that you wished to hurt me earlier and you did and you know this. I was made sad because I did not understand because you had not given me enough information to understand. But you gave more information and I considered the matter deeply and reasonably certain I understand. And because of this understanding I know we could never relate to each other as more than the most platonic of acquaintenances. I know this to be true and and I know why it is true and I can no longer be made to feel sad. I wanted to say that if you wished, I would be more than happy to share my thoughts with you. I don’t care how you to choose to take this offer. I just want you to know that the invitation is extended and you had interest in sharing your thoughts wikth me I would gladly entertain them, but you needen’t do so. I just thought I should extend this offer and wish you the best. Promise never to return unless asked.

*Let me remind the Idiot Theater readers that, three years ago, the last thing this person said to me was, “I hope you burn in hell for all eternity”

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