Saturday, July 11, 2020
Everyday Idiots

“But I am already settled in” Episode

After running all the way from gate to gate to make my connecting flight, I boarded the plane as they were announcing last call. I inched down the aisle, making small gains, as each person stowing luggage in the overheads slid into their seats ahead of me.

When I reached my row, I looked down into my window seat to find a woman already in it. She had her shoes off, blanket on, pillow behind her, headphones on, and was asleep… with her belongings spread out all over the floor under my seat, and the center seat next to her. I reached over and tapped her on the shoulder, and she awakened with a startled and annoyed jolt.

Me: Excuse me, this is my seat. Here is my boarding pass. See? 31A.

Idiot: But I am already settled in.

The man in 31C jumps out of his seat, and stands to the side.

Me: That is unfortunate, but I am going to need you to move back to your own seat, which I assume is 31B?

Idiot: Why don’t you just sit there? I am already all settled in.

Me: No, ma’am. I will be sitting in my assigned seat for this flight.

Idiot: I don’t see any difference.

Me: Excellent! Because I DO see a difference. So, when you move to your proper seat, you won’t mind, I guess, because you DON’T see any difference.

Idiot: Are you serious?

Me: So. Very. Serious.

Idiot: …

Me: If I hit this button it calls the flight attendants, right?

Idiot: Oh, come on.

Me: CLICK (yes, I said “CLICK” out loud, as I pushed the button)… and… oh… Here she comes… What do you think she is going to say? Hmmm?

Idiot: FINE!

I “unclick” the button, and wave to the flight attendant, who turns away.

The Idiot, starts throwing all of her belongings into seat 31C, while making grunting and groaning noises.

Man from 31C, still standing in the aisle, stares at us both, wide eyed, with his mouth hanging open. Everyone else around us is also staring, and whispering among themselves.

Idiot finally has moved all of her things onto 31C’s seat, and she steps out into the aisle.

I smile, nod, and scooch into my seat, and stow all of my belongings within my own space, and stake my claim to the entire armrest between A & B.

Idiot wedges herself into 31B, and attempts to shove all of her scattered belongings and shoes into her own assigned space. The man from 31C quietly slides into his seat, and attempts to avoid eye contact with either one of us.

The Idiot attempts to “spread out” and acts startled when her arm ends up on top of mine, on the armrest.

Idiot: Do you mind?

Me: Yes, I do mind.

Idiot: Are you serious?

Me: So. Very. Serious.

Idiot: …

I reach for the button, and raise my eyebrows…

Idiot: Never mind. Never mind.

The flight was about 1 hour and 45 minutes long.

The Idiot pretended to be asleep, and attempted to “accidentally” push my arm off of the armrest a few times. She did not succeed. She “accidentally” pushed her blanket over my arm several times. I grabbed it and flopped it right into the middle of her lap each time. Man in 31C had to keep looking away to stifle his giggles.

When we landed, Idiot tried to avoid eye contact with me, as she gathered her things and tried to rush out, ahead of some people in the rows in front of us. Someone tripped her. It might have been an accident, but you never know.



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