From the Archives:
*Idiot arrives very late to pick me up for a date. We were going to get dinner, then go to a movie. He left his house almost an hour after he was supposed to arrive at my house. Now, we only have just enough time to get to the theater before the movie starts. (This is not the first, or even the second time this has happened.)
Idiot: Hey. I’m hungry. I didn’t eat. Do you have something I could eat really quick.
Me: Um… I have tons of stuff in the kitchen. Help yourself.
Idiot: Can you get something for me?
Me: You are a big boy, go in there and grab whatever you want, and if you honestly need help, let me know.
*Idiot disappears into the kitchen, while I go to turn off the TV, etc. He begins shouting to me from the kitchen, while I am in the other room.
Idiot: Hey… You cooked these hard boiled eggs wrong. They aren’t peeling right.
Me: The chances of me cooking them wrong is zero. Maybe you are peeling them wrong.
Idiot: I know how to peel an egg.
Me: Well, I know how to cook an egg, and have cooked more eggs in my life than you have ever peeled.
Idiot: How do you know that?
Me: Trust me. That is a fact. Anyway, sometimes eggs just don’t peel right, no matter how you cook them. Shit happens.
Idiot: Well, this egg is a mess.
Me: I am so sorry if the free food that you are taking from my kitchen, instead of taking me out to dinner, is not up to your culinary standards.
Idiot: Are you mad?
Me: Why would I be mad that you are late enough that we are missing dinner again, and that you are complaining about the free food that you are taking from my kitchen, before I take you to a free movie?
Idiot: You’re being ridiculous.
Me: You’re right. I am being ridiculous. It is ridiculous for me to put up with this. Hurry up, we really need to go.
Idiot: Do you have a bottle of water I could take?
Me: Oh. my. god.
Idiot: I forgot to bring one.
Me: Ugh. Don’t even pretend you were going to bring one. Here.
*I hand him a bottle of water, and shove him toward the door.
Idiot: Oh, can we take your car? I need gas.
Idiot: Can I drive?
Idiot: Why not?
Me: Just get in the car.
Although I am no longer dating this idiot, I accept idiot status for myself, for even being a part of the conversation above…